Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Last week in my political science paper I quoted the Mighty Ducks. This week, I compared the Constitution to a weird pickle law in Connecticut (by law, it's not a pickle unless it bounces). So, yeah, clearly I'm ready to be back to being a college student.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize