When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
that may or may not have been my penis.
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