What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
