You just made me feel so damn special
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
