Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
