Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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