i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
