This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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