He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
