I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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