Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
Dude, chad is laying across the room, violently, passionately, pornographicly eating something and I seriously think the 'some thing' is fighting back.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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