How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Randomize
