Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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