My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Then, even the devil himself would be scared of us. And we'd be bestfriends with Jesus. He would love us.
Randomize
