Who did Billy Mays play for?
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
Randomize
