The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
worst night to have a conscience
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
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