My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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