Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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