fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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