I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
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