"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
Roomies told me I showed up to my house alone with no pants on and burrs in my hair... I live in the middle of the city
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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