It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
We need a shit load of segways right now
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
He just told me I was beautiful, whilst I peed into a cup. If this isn't love I don't know what is.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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