Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
