before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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