so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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