If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Its not monday til someone throws up in the hallway
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
