I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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