I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
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