I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
