I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
