Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
Stand and applaud for me. I have successfully masturbated in a Walmart changing room with the door wide open during normal business hours. I lead a very Charmed Life.
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