last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
Randomize
