i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
you kept lifting my skirt up, yelling "PANTY PARTY". needless to say, you're at the top of my father's shit list right now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
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