Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
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