I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Randomize
