I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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