Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Randomize
