i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
