Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
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