Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I am going to make your legs soar from cumming so much
Like they're going to fly away?
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
That shit was hard as fuck. It felt like a mountain entering my vagina.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
