Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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