I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
