Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
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