you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
