remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
