i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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