nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
