I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
