All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
