1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
my whole wardrobe smells like substance abuse
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
