I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
Randomize
