oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
Han Solo would be ashamed of me.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
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