you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I am midnight drunk by noon
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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