You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
