im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
