I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
