I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize