Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I wish there were birth control emojis
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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