R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
mondays should just be called national damage control day
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Randomize
