That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
