Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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