Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
Randomize
