Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.
No more Raisinettes before sex. That's what happened. I just put it together
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
